Postnatal Depression and Me

Depression is scary, it creeps out of nowhere and attacks you at your most vulnerable.

I had suffered with postnatal depression really quite bad following the birth of Jack.  I had no idea that it was taking hold of me until it was too late, I allowed it to continue and didn’t seek any help.  I was scared, ashamed and exhausted, and buried my head in the sand thinking that I could face it alone and get better.

I should have been so happy, I had my gorgeous baby boy, yet I wasn’t.  I was really, really low.

One day I scared myself, I had the most sickening of thoughts and knew I had to confide in a Doctor but I was petrified that I would be deemed a bad mother, that Jack might be taken away from me.  I had no choice though and was given some medication to take.

Stupidly, I didn’t take the meds as that would have been admitting defeat, or so I thought and finally confided in Trevor too.  I had kept it from him (and everyone else) somehow for months.

Together we battled my depression, each day got easier as I found the confidence to leave the house.  We made the effort to get out of the house every day and to visit friends and slowly, I gained my happiness back and felt that I could finally bond with Jack.

In the lead up to giving birth to Hudson, I did worry that I might struggle again with PND once he had arrived.  This time though, I knew what signs to look out for and so did everything I could to prevent it from happening to me again.

However, a couple of weeks ago, all the scary signs of PND started to present themselves again and so I decided to speak to my Doctor before things got out-of-hand.

I was starting to have regular down days again, whereby I would constantly cry and feel low.  On occasions I could actually hear my heart sounding as it was beating so fast and I was quick to get irritated around the boys.

I started to find excuses not to leave the house and would ignore messages and phone calls, pretty much just went back into my shell.

I have no idea why I started to feel like this again, as I thought I was really doing well.  I was coping so much better than I had before, or so I thought.

I actually now wonder whether I did get over my depression following Jack’s birth or whether I just learnt how to live with it?

This time, I am not afraid to admit that I need the help.  This time I have chosen to take my prescribed medication and already, 2weeks in, I feel a million times better, I feel like a new person.  I am so much more joyful and far less stressed and know that with the medication, I will only continue to get better too.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have reached out for help, in fact, I’m pretty proud of myself.  I’m doing the right thing for my family which will always remain my priority.

I shall continue to get out of the house, visit friends, make a fuss of the boys and most importantly, be a happy mum.  My boys are my everything and without them, I would be nothing.  For them, I will get better because they deserve me at my happiest.

If you know of a new mum, please reach out and check she is okay.  Don’t assume that she is fine just because she usually is, she might just be putting on a brave face.  I know that feeling all too well.

Lisa x

Please check out these brilliant posts from two incredible mums who have also suffered with Postnatal Depression:

  • Louise from Pink Pear Bear, who also shares her Postnatal Depression Story.
  • Kerry from All about a mini Norris, who lost herself to PND.

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2 Comments

  • Reply
    Deborah Mackenzie
    October 2, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Well done for writing this; it must have been really difficult. I suffer from bi-polar and it is not easy and I can understand how you felt with the feelings you had.

  • Reply
    The Mum Reviews
    September 26, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    This is a brilliant post because you compare your first experience to your second, and note how getting help made a difference. Reading it might really help someone. Thanks for sharing your honest story.

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