Now that my Maternity Pay has come to an end, I am faced with the horrid realisation that I need to return to work. Since the day Jack was born, I have dreaded this moment. Who wants to leave their baby in the care of somebody else?
For me, a 9-month old is far too young to be placed into any care. Now I know that some people have to return straight back to work and that everyone finds it tough leaving their children behind in childcare, sometimes with a stranger.
Financially, for us it is the right thing to do and having recently had my ‘work from home’ request denied by my employer on the grounds that it would be ‘too difficult’ to oversee, we find ourselves looking at Nurseries for Jack. Funny how my Manager, a week into my Maternity Leave was constantly messaging me about doing ‘Keep In Touch’ days and coming up with plenty of ideas for work that I could do from home.
So yesterday, we visited our first Nursery and the moment I walked into where the other babies were, I had a lump in my throat. The thought of leaving Jack there made me feel physically sick. I actually couldnt speak for a moment whilst I fought back the tears. The Nursery was absolutely lovely and the staff very nice but he is MY son and it is my job to care for him, nobody else’s. What got me straight away was that the 3 babies and their carers were at different corners of the room. One carer was cradling a baby to sleep, one changing a nappy and the other playing on the mat. My immediate thought was that ‘their mum should be here doing that’.
Don’t get me wrong, I am judging no-one but its just a personal anxiety of mine at the moment about leaving Jack behind. Also, the idea of someone else being so close to him and kind of his ‘stand-by mum’ whilst I am at work just feels so wrong. Perhaps I would find it easier if someone I knew could care for him whilst I went back to work, the trouble is, we don’t have anyone available.
The reason for this post is a cry for support really, stupid I know but how the hell did all you mums cope? I don’t think I can face it.
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